Cake Pop FAIL!

Erg. Cake Pops. Those adorable little sweet treats on a stick that everyone and their mother appears to be making with ease these days. I mean, you can get them at Starbucks for Pete's sake (although they aren't good. Not at all.). Apparently, I am not everyone, nor am I their mothers. The joy of cake popery eludes me. I had grand ideas of sending of a batch of pretty little sweet pops to my nephews and cousins for their annual Valentine's Day goody boxes, but no. Not this time. Despite the creation of a delicious cake recipe and three different dipping attempts, I failed to get even a single perfect pop.

It's the coating. I started with Wilton brand candy melts in light cocoa. Is it me, or does this stuff just suck? It melts into a very thick chocolate-like substance ( I say "chocolate-like" because one glance at the ingredients list and you'll shiver) that is no good for dipping. Squeezing and spreading, maybe, but not dipping. I was going for a thin, glossy coat, but I got thick and gloppy instead. Clearly this isn't the product I need.

I then tried a white bark found at the grocery store. I don't even want to go there. It didn't even melt. It turned into stringy, cheese-like strands of white sugar and ended up in the trash. So I went with the last resort. I knew the frosting I used for the cake wouldn't work, but I had a can of white frosting (for shame!) in the back of the pantry. A zap in the microwave and it was melted into a smooth glaze. It actually looked like it might work. For a hot minute. Then I realized that it was still too heavy, as my poor pops went tumbling ass over tea kettle off of their sticks. They never stood a chance. Sigh.

So I ended up dumping all of the cakes into the melted frosting and pulling them out with a fork. Cake balls. A sprinkle of nonpareils and they went back to the fridge to set up. Not that they ever really set up. They are still sticky and gooey. But I refuse to cave in to the perfectionista breathing down my neck right now. That would be a whole two days worth of nap time down the drain. So I'm going to eat every single one of those little blobs if it kills me. Or causes me to slip into a sugar coma. That'll show 'em.

Raspberry Cream Cheese Swirl Cake Balls
Ingredients:
One white cake baked in a sheet pan
2 sticks butter at room temperature
12 ounces of cream cheese at room temperature
1 tsp. vanilla 
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
6 oz. seedless raspberry jam


Preparation: Beat butter and cream cheese with vanilla until fluffy. Add sugar 1/2 cup at a time, beating at medium high speed until very fluffy. You may not need all of the sugar! Set aside one cup of frosting and reserve the rest for another use.


Crumble the cake into small crumbs in a large bowl. Add frosting and fold until just combined. Heat jam in the microwave or on the stovetop, stirring until smooth. Pour into cake mixture and fold until just combined so that swirls of jam still appear.


You may want to butter your hands at this point since it's a messy job! Scoop cake balls into your palm using a one inch batter scoop. Roll into a smooth ball and place on a cookie sheet lined with parchment. Repeat until all of the balls are formed. Move sheet to the freezer for at least an hour. 


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Now on to that dipping mess. I clearly can't help you there. Bakerella can show you how, or maybe you have tips for me? A different brand or product I should use? Or maybe I should just hang my head in shame and move on? Hit me up if you have ideas!