"I Can't Make This Shit Up," A One Act Play

CHARACTERS:

E, a 29 and 11 month old (hahaha!) man in pajamas, the husband of ME
ME, a 30 year old woman in pajamas, with very messy hair, the wife of E

SETTING:

Early morning, ME sits at a breakfast table, eating scrambled eggs and toast. E enters with a mug of coffee and sits.

E:

I could not fall asleep last night.

ME:

 (continues eating)

Mmm hmm?

E:

So I was laying there for like an hour, and I started thinking: What if a zombie kid suddenly came into our bedroom? Like "Dawn of the Dead", but for real?

(pauses for effect)

ME:

Uh huh...

E:

What would I do?

(pauses for effect)

So I'd have to kill it. I'd have to find something to hit it in the head with, or cut it's head off so it wouldn't bite me.

ME:

(looks at E, saying nothing, and continues eating)

E:

But after I cut it's head off, what if I looked over at you and it had bitten you? Then I'd have to cut your head off, too! Because otherwise you'd turn into a zombie. Then I was like: What if it turned out the kid wasn't really a zombie, but was drunk or something or I was kind of dreaming, and then I just cut off my neighbor's head, and my wife's, too... How do you explain that to a judge?

ME:

Nice. Can you get me some coffee?

END SCENE

Such conversations are not rare at our house.